Panicking because I was over three hours from home, I called one of my girlfriends and asked for her help in determining whether I should turn around and go back or continue on with only the clothes on my back. She convinced me that she and her sister (my other bf) would surely be able to pull together some things that would fit me. Sure enough, when I arrived in a little town north of Orlando, my girls had a bunch of things for me to choose from while I was visiting.
I love those two for giving me something to wear when I had next to nothing, but what I missed most while I was down there were clothes that were bought to fit my body type. You see, I am a very little person. 5'4" and maybe a buck-five at the time. My friends had body types that were blessed with parts that God had not blessed me with. My small behind barely held up the shorts that I wore! The clothes I wore during this trip were trendier, newer, and more elaborate than anything I had packed in my own bag. One pair of shorts I particularly liked had designs sewn into the pockets and most of the clothes were from stores like Abercrombie and Fitch and American Eagle. Yet regardless of the obvious appeal to a 21-year-old me, who was obsessed with being fashionable yet unable to afford it, I missed my own jeans that were ripped in a few places and had a stain on the knee. You see, I felt awkward in my friends' clothes because they did not fit me as well as my clothes did.
Sometimes, we borrow other people's personalities just like I borrowed the clothes of my friends. There are attributes about others that we wish were attributes of ourselves. For a long time, I emulated everyone around me. I saw that one of my older sisters loved horses. I thought she was so cool because she had all these statues and horse figurines (Grand Champions anyone?), so I decided that I, much to her chagrin, would also collect horses. Eventually, I realized that what made her cool did not make me as cool as her, so I quit collecting, but that did not change my habit of trying on what made other people cool in my eyes to see if it would also make me cool.
Throughout my life, I have been many things that went so well on other people. I have been smart, air-headed, straight-laced, drugged-up, prudish, promiscuous, grunge, and prep. I don't know very many people who have tried on as many identities as I have, but all of these identities were not me. Like my friends' clothes, they also did not fit well because they were not mine.
Eventually, I realized that in order to be comfortable and feel like I fit in, I must be myself. Other people could tell when I was not "comfortable in my own skin" while I was trying to be someone who I was not. The moment that I began the arduous task of determining who I really was, people began to treat me differently. I also began to feel differently about myself. No longer was a attempting to stay ahead of the ever-changing fashion advertizing. I put on my old jeans, the ones with the holes, and made my identity out of what I was made with.
The same is true of every woman. You will never feel comfortable in your own skin until you accept who you really are. After so many years of trying to be someone else, transitioning into who you are will be a difficult task because you have to re-learn who you are. You also have to be your own best friend, which is something that many of us have a difficult time with. You have to give yourself grace to look dumb sometimes or say the wrong thing at the wrong time because the chances of getting all the grace you need from others can be difficult under the best of circumstances and near impossible without safe relationships where others want to see you grow as a human-being rather than remain who you are when you met. Most importantly though, this process is unable to be completed without accepting the grace and love of God.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV, 2011) says "'For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" It has been recently pointed out to me that many of us focus on the last part of this verse. I think it is because we each intimately desire prosperity, safety, hope, and a great future where life is easier than it is now, yet we get lost in the result and fail to recognize what gets us there. God has the plans that will get us where we want to go. He laid out the plans for each of us before we were even a thought in the minds' of our parents, when we were still hidden from our mother's, God had it all figured out.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139: 15-16 (emphasis mine)
It seems that in order for us to be comfortable in who we are, we also must ask who we are from the one who made us. Think about it. If you want to know more about a piece of artwork, you get to know the artist. You find out who they are, what their life was like, who they loved, and what other work they have created. Starry Starry Night by Vincent van Gogh is a good example of this. Check it out for a second. What thoughts or feelings does this painting bring to your mind? How does your body react to seeing it? Would it surprise you to know that van Gogh painted this while in an asylum? In the same way that we determine the message/purpose/personality of this famous painting, we can also determine that of ourselves. Each one of us embodies the artwork of our creator. To understand ourselves, we must then ask him who he created us to be. Van Gogh's painting could not decide that it wanted to be a happy painting of flowers and a pretty lake. In the same way, we cannot decide to be who we were not meant to be without the consequences of feeling uncomfortable, out of place, or insecure about who we are trying to be. These are some of the psychological symptoms of trying (and failing) to be who someone else was created to be!
You may still be trying to fit into someone else jeans. Maybe they are too tight, maybe too big, maybe they look like they fit fine, but there is just something about them that is not quite right. Maybe you would like to put on your own jeans, but you can't remember where you put them last! I want to challenge you to ask the one who created you a masterpiece, the one who numbered your days before you were born, the one who loves you beyond what you could ever imagine, who will give you confidence to not only accept but embrace the person you were created to be... Ask him to help you find yourself! Ask him, "Who am I?" He does not disappoint (but he will probably make you work!).
